The case for feminism

Why we are wary of associating with feminism and how we can remedy it

Its safe to say that over the past year I’ve had many conversations with both men and women about the case for feminism, yet what struck me the most about these conversations, is that 99% of the time, those who disagreed or disputed the issues around it, were men. Now this is not me trying to call men out on being against women’s rights, not at all. In fact these are some of the most open-minded and progressive men I’ve met in my life so far, if anything, they support me and the women around them to be in positions of leadership and to aim high. But for some reason, when it comes to gender issues, we just can’t all get on the same page. So what is it about feminism that causes this disconnect?

To put it bluntly, at the very base of it, men do not experience the same hurdles as women. That is a fact. As people, we feel strongly about certain issues because we have had a personal experience around it. One way I like to describe female-specific gender biases, is that it is like childbirth or menstruation, men will never experience the pains of it. We are just different, and that is the way things are. If we do not experience something it is hard for us to empathise with it. As Albert Einstein puts it: “The only source of knowledge is experience.” This is not to say that people who are not women, or people who have not experienced issues stemming from gender bias, do not understand. Also it is not to say that men do not experience their own share of gender biases. It is simply to appreciate that you and I have not experienced the same thing, and because of this I understand that it might be difficult for you to accept or understand. An excerpt by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie from her TED talk ‘We should all be feminists’ demonstrates this issue perfectly:

I often make the mistake of thinking that something that is obvious to me is just as obvious to everyone else. Now, take my dear friend Louis for example. Louis is a brilliant, progressive man, and we would have conversations and he would tell me, “I don’t know what you mean by things being different or harder for women. Maybe in the past, but not now.” And I didn’t understand how Louis could not see what seems so self-evident. Then one evening, in Lagos, Louis and I went out with friends. And for people here who are not familiar with Lagos, there’s that wonderful Lagos’ fixture, the sprinkling of energetic men who hang around outside establishments and very dramatically “help” you park your car. I was impressed with the particular theatrics of the man who found us a parking spot that evening. And so as we were leaving, I decided to leave him a tip. I opened my bag, put my hand inside my bag, brought out my money that I had earned from doing my work, and I gave it to the man. And he, this man who was very grateful and very happy, took the money from me, looked across at Louis and said, “Thank you, sir!”

Louis looked at me, surprised, and asked, “Why is he thanking me? I didn’t give him the money.” Then I saw realization dawn on Louis’ face. The man believed that whatever money I had had ultimately come from Louis. Because Louis is a man.

How about the word ‘feminism’ itself? Why is it when this word comes up in conversation, people become uncomfortable? I think it is because from the male perspective, this word evokes a negative connotation. That “men are to blame for everything” and “women go through so much and you have no idea” mentality. Its become the topic of discussion where people think, “oh no, here we go again.” It has become a me against you. Women against men. But the word itself means ‘the belief in the social, economic, and political equality of the sexes.’ It is unfortunate that the simple meaning behind this word has become awash with negative preconceptions.

Arguably, like any conversation, conversations on gender issues should be approached in a very specific way, meaning it should be a heathy dialogue. Any decent debate consists of both sides of an argument being heard out, where no one is trying to force views down eachothers’ throat. Some of you may disagree with me on this, but how do we expect to achieve better understanding of gender issues if we don’t at the beginning, come to terms with the fact that what you may have experienced, is totally different to what I have experienced? To put it simply, in order to progressively challenge gender bias, we need to remember that there are two parts to the puzzle here. Men and women (and of course this is not to ignore those who choose not to identify with either). In order to first get everyone to have constructive discussions around the issue, we need to own our differences and work towards dissembling the negative feelings behind feminism. One article I particularly liked is Bustle’s ‘7 Things The Word “Feminist” Does NOT Mean’:

• The belief that women are superior
• That someone has negative views of men
• That feminine things are “bad”
• The belief that everyone should be the same (heterogeneity means endless groups of people — women of color, men who like “feminine” things, women who like “masculine” things, non-binary people, otherkin, you name it — not just “men” and “women.”)
• That someone is gay — and that’s a bad thing
• That we’re just reinforcing gender
• That its just another word for “complaining all the time”

So please, I beg of all of us, let’s not be blinded by our own experiences, biases and points of views. Let’s have healthy discussions on this. Let’s understand that just because we don’t experience something doesn’t mean it isn’t a real issue. Let’s stop seeing this as a negative issue to avoid. And most of all, let’s try to empathise with each other, because everyone’s experience matters no matter if you’re a man, a woman or non-binary.